regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
