My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Randomize
