So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
