I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
