it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
