Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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