JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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