I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
