I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Randomize
