Kiss
Puke
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
