i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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