I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
