Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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