that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
