There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
