my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
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