Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
