i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
