I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
