please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Randomize
