any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I will be naked everywhere
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
