I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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