I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
