I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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