I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
