I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I feel like a drive thru vagina
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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