A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
I did not marry a roomba.
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