So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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