just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
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