I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
