paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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