If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
