omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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