your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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