just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize