just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
