he puts the penis in happiness.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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