why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize