I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
