He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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