I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
