Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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