Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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