u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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