He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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