u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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