is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
