Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
