I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
