Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Randomize
