just tell him i said nine months
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
The chlamydia really affected his face.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
