but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
