I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
