Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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