There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
