just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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