it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
