i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I am one with the molecules
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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