either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
