I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
