If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
