What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I think my moral compass just broke
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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