I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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