im drinking this country out of the recession.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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