i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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