Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
