Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
