Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
