does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
