hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
